Why is divorce painful?

So you’ve either jointly or individually decided to part ways and get a divorce.  So why is divorce painful, often for years after the event? 

If you are feeling the pain is sometimes unbearable, or feel heartbroken over the breakup of your marriage, you are not alone and are likely going through a grieving process.  

Experts have found that after death, divorce is the second most traumatic life-event someone could go through.  You are literally grieving a loss!  It’s not uncommon for someone who has experienced divorce (particularly a high-conflict one), to go through a similar grieving process as someone who has actually experienced a death. 

Divorce is painful

The experience can be heartbreaking and traumatic.  And the spin-offs often leak into other areas of life such as career and finances.  This can perpetuate the sense of loss.  

Often not only do you grieve the loss of your former partner, but you may experience ‘secondary losses’ such as friends, your in-laws (and that entire side of your family), your identity and sense of worth.  It can feel like a huge parting of the seas, and in many ways it is. 

For all these reasons and more, divorce is painful for many.

Although divorce can be liberating for some people, it is usually a high-stress experience for most. 

Grieving Process

In my experience, I found that the effect of divorce impacted my emotional state in a major way.  At the time, I hadn’t developed a toolkit to manage my mindset, so I found myself losing control in many other areas of my life, such as my business, finances, and health. 

Back in those days I blamed the divorce for the disarray in my life, but now I understand that I always had the choice on how to react to all that was unfolding. And sometimes I was making flawed decisions based on my emotional state, instead of being practical and pragmatic. I see that now, though at the time, it was very difficult to see light at the end of the tunnel. 

It wasn’t until I allowed myself the time and space to heal without rushing it,  that I began to accept that some things in life don’t always work out how we imagined.  I called this process ‘Grace and Space’.  

Stages of Grief

The five stages of grief is well-documented and researched.  You may find yourself moving through these stages at some stage in your divorce and co-parenting journey.  You may not experience all stages, and you may not go through them in a linear process. 

The five stages of grief are:

• denial

• anger

• bargaining

• depression

• acceptance

Going through grief is a very individual experience.  You may find you remain at a particular stage for months and years, or skip other stages entirely.   

Throughout each stage, I recommend you give yourself Grace and Space to work through your worries and fears.  Avoiding the root cause of your feelings and emotions, doesn’t make it disappear.  Working with a professional like a therapist or psychologist etc, can help you make sense of where you are at. 

Grace and Space

Till this day, I practice Grace and Space.  Giving myself grace reminds me to be kind to myself and allowing myself space, gives me permission to recuperate, reflect, recharge, renew and recover.  

It was this Grace and Space mindset-shift that marked the beginning of my healing journey.  My healing journey eventually led me to acceptance and forgiveness; prerequisites (in my opinion) to a peaceful life. 

Is there anything going on for you today where you can give yourself permission to practice Grace and Space, in order to move forward?

Give Yourself Permission to Grieve

If you are feeling (or have felt) like your dreams and ideas of a ‘happily ever after’ were shattered, it is understandable.   You may be in a denial or anger stage of processing your grief, and must be kind to yourself to work through your emotions and triggers. 

However, please remember that this feeling won’t last forever, even though it may not seem that way today.    If you want to move on and rebuild your life after divorce, it is important to give yourself Grace and Space to grieve your loss in full.  

Once you can contemplate and reflect on your journey with a feeling of acceptance, you will begin to look forwards instead of back. 

Free divorce support kit

Download our free divorce support kit. It’s loaded with resources, tips, advice and recommendations to get you well on your way to rebuilding your life after divorce. Grab your kit right here for you or loved one.   

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