10 Things to consider when divorce is the only option
In a bid to be transparent and real with you, we have put together these pointers to spotlight things that may not initially be on your radar, when divorce is the only option to consider. Many of the following points are what people ‘wish they had known’ when starting the divorce journey
When divorce becomes the only option, little is known about how your divorce journey will unfold. Depending on how contentious things are between you and your former partner, the ride may be relatively smooth or particularly bumpy and uncomfortable.
Other times, you may begin the divorce process with an air of amicability, but find friction and conflict appear along the way, particularly when big decisions around the children and finances need to be agreed. The reverse may also be true.
What we can agree on is that no one truly knows how your divorce will unfold. That being said, here are 10 pointers to help you plan and minimise friction as much as possible, when divorce is the only option.
1- Consider when to file for divorce
When is the best time to file for divorce? There are many sources that suggest to file for a prompt divorce to settle matters and move on. However there isn’t a cookie-cutter perfect answer. Some couples choose to wait it out for financial, family and other economic reasons.
To work out the optimum time to file for divorce, the level of conflict can be a deciding factor. If there is high conflict, then it may be wise to file for divorce promptly. If you are amicable and there is a compelling reason to delay filing, then as long as you and your former partner are in agreement, you can file at a later date.
Either way, you should seek legal advice so you clearly understand your position, particularly if children are involved.
2- Don’t use divorce as a weapon
Unfortunately divorce can be used as a weapon. It is unwise and dangerous to use the threat of divorce in your marriage. There can be devastating and far-reaching effects, if divorce is used as a ‘revenge-tactic’ when you feel you have been harmed. Divorce should really only be considered when there really isn’t any alternative option, and you feel you have done your best to resolve differences.
3-Don’t keep secrets from your lawyer
Never hide anything from your lawyer and follow their instructions. They are appointed to represent you, and to do this effectively they will need access to personal and sensitive information. As difficult as it may be, you should always have an upfront and transparent relationship with your lawyer. They are on your side after all.
4- Do not hide your assets when divorce is the only option
Even if you have assets which rightfully belong to you, you should never conceal them. It can lead towards legal recourse if you are found to have been dishonest. No ethical lawyer would ever encourage you to hide or manipulate your assets. And if your former partner feels/knows you are not telling the truth, the legal process may be drawn out at greater expense to both parties, as the truth is unravelled.
This ‘tactic’ can leave a bitter taste in everyone’s mouth, and backfire. It is best to be transparent and allow the law of the land to take course.
5- Do not relocate unless necessary
Keep in mind that you don't need to leave your marital home, regardless if your former partner decides to stay there, or is paying the mortgage/rent.
Of course there are some situations where it may be dangerous for you to remain in a shared home, in which case you should urgently seek advice and support.
If you have children from your marriage, leaving the marital home without correct guidance may affect your divorce proceedings later on. So seek legal advice before deciding on any relocation plans.
6- Do not use joint accounts
When separation or divorce is the only option, it is wise to separate any shared bank accounts immediately. Set up your own separate account, change your giro/auto-pay arrangements, and provide your employer/service providers with your new bank account details.
If you are the bread-winner and have supported your former partner historically, do not cut-off the financial cord without seeking legal advice. Particularly if your former partner is still living in the marital home and there are children involved.
Until your divorce and maintenance arrangements are finalised, bills still need to be paid, everyone still needs to eat and a roof is still needed for all.
So avoid financially and economically crippling a dependent former partner and children through knee jerk reactions. Seek financial and legal advice always, as you may be ordered to back-pay monies (sometimes with interest), if your former partner makes a successful case against you, for withholding support.
7-Do not bad mouth your former partner
Speaking ill of your former partner can be unhealthy and toxic for your family and children. By off-loading and venting negativity about your former partner in front of your family (particularly impressionable children), you may place pressure and added trauma onto them, as they feel they need to choose whose side they are on. This is really not fair.
Instead, reach out to your own support network or work with a therapist to work through your feelings and triggers.
Research shows that children of divorce do much better later in life, if their parents are not in conflict, or bad-mouthing one another.
Even if you do have angry or hateful feelings towards your former partner, there is no need to share this with your children/family.
Here, the Sufi tradition of ‘4 gates of communication’ comes in handy; whereby you are invited to speak after your words have passed through all of the following four gates:
Gate 1- Are these words true?
Gate 2- Are they necessary?
Gate 3- Are they beneficial?
Gate 4- Are they kind?
If you answer “no” to any of these questions, then you may want to consider how necessary it is to speak.
8- Do not vent on social media
Your social channels should not be an avenue for you to vent or share intimate details about your divorce. Aside from the fact that the audience may give you a reaction you weren’t expecting, but your posts could be used as proof against you in court.
Therefore, choose your words very carefully when posting in a public forum. This includes Whatsapp, emails and other communication platforms.
9- Prioritise your children
Divorce can leave your children traumatised if it isn’t managed well from the outset. Prioritising the mental, emotional and physical well-being of your children is critical, if they are to adjust in a healthy way.
Though you may feel you are not in the right frame of mind to be fully present with them, it is wise to carve out space where they receive your undivided attention.
10- Do not immediately begin another relationship
Many sources warn against entering another relationship soon after deciding to end your marriage. You may have feelings of loneliness which you think can be filled with the prospect of having another companion. However, taking the time to invest in your own healing journey should take priority.
Whilst there isn’t an ‘ideal time’ to restart a relationship, you can be guided by how you feel mentally and emotionally. If you are still being triggered by your former partner, there may be further work to do, to understand and manage your triggers. There may be trauma or internal blockages that need unraveling, before treading into another relationship.
After all you wouldn’t want someone bringing any unresolved ‘issues’ into a relationship with you, so look to steady your own ship before inviting anyone onboard.
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